I'm not the best Muslim. I was extremely practicing at some point, but I've been doubting more and becoming less religious over time. I still do the mandatory and don't do most forbidden things.
I'm not saying what I'm about to say is correct/incorrect or even acceptable/unacceptable. I'm just going to lay exactly how I feel out there.
Personally, one thing I really badly want in life is a good romantic relationship. I want to be with someone that I have an extremely deep connection with, someone that I am truly in love with. I heavily crave emotional and physical intimacy. I have this one atheist female friend that I'm really close with, and I have feelings for her. It makes me so sad to know that being with her wouldn't be possible. My family and friends would be judgemental, she probably wouldn't want to cope with my lifestyle as a Muslim, and of course I'm not supposed to marry an atheist in Islam.
I guess I just have to somehow sorta meet a female but go to her family first. Or get my parents to find me someone. But I don't get to know her as well as I want to that way. I am likely not going to meet enough people that way and find someone I really, really like. Every couple I've seen that has taken a path like this are not in love with each other, they're just okay with each other. Maybe some people are okay with this and call me stupid but I can't be okay with that for myself.
I don't even know how good of a Muslim I really am or want to be. I just don't know how to feel about Islam. I know my family and friends would give me a rough time if I left Islam. This makes me not know what sort of Muslim I would even want to be with.
Romantic relationships just seem so sad and restricted in Islam that it breaks my heart. I honestly just don't want to keep having to live feeling so restricted. My one strongest desire in life is something I can't really have, and I really don't know what to think of my religion in general. Who am I? Who should I be? I don't know and it's too hard to try to cope with it so I wish I could just die. I almost want to commit suicide.
Sorry, for this heavy and rant-y post. Don't feel like you need to say anything. I don't exactly know why I posted this. Maybe just taking my chances that I might see a reply that changes my perspective or something.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy ramadan and I hope you and your families stay healthy and happy.
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