How to have faith in Allah?

How do I know if I have faith in Allah?

I feel so unsure of myself and my relationship of Allah.

But am I even doing anything to work on my relationship with my creator? Is it even a priority anymore - no.

I have these weeks where I pray regularly and then I stop for a couple weeks. The cycle continues.

I'm suffocated by my own existence.

I feel like my worship doesn't count. I lack faith. I lack trust in Allah - I trust him in some instances but not everything. I don't even trust myself.

It's Ramadan this is the month to redeem yourself and fix your relationship with Allah. But did I do that no.

I was good for like 11 days then stopped because my mind is KILLING ME.

I feel like my worship doesn't count. I feel like I'm a hypocrite. That I'm being fake. I'm so AFRAID of being arrogant. Or thinking I'm better than someone just for worshipping Allah.

I'm tired of existing. It would be easier at times to be dead.

I know all of this yet I am still doing the same stuff. Why? Allah doesn't change the conditions of someone till they themselves change.

I hate this but at the same time I don't care. I should care. I should be VERY AFRAID but I feel absolutely nothing. That should be alarming but nothing.

How do I even know if my prayers even count. I just am relearning my faith, having not prayed so many years. My pronunciation is terrible, I redo my wudu and prayers. I don't think they count nor does my wudu. None of it.

I have been working on myself this past year, not just my faith but my character. It is all terrible. I have OCD and my MIND won't leave me alone. I'm so tired.

I'm so frustrated by myself. I even feel fake writing this.

My faith should matter but I feel nothing. That's what is alarming me. But yet here I am doing nothing. I'm just tired. I feel like I'm going to hell.

I've lived a meaningless existence for all of my life. I didn't pray, fast nothing. I never drank, smoke, committed zina or anything but that means absolutely nothing. I didn't do anything good for my soul.

I should be worried but here I am nothing. I feel fake even writing this. People feel so terrible for the sins or the things they've done. I feel nothing. That's so alarming. I ask Allah for forgiveness but do I believe it IDK. Like other people are so worried and I feel absolutely nothing.

I lived a meaningless life. I just feel so fake and I don't know how to shake this feeling off.

It all feels fake. Your worship and all that you do doesn't count if you don't have good intentions. It feels like a routine thing no meaning no love. I HATE feeling this way. Your faith, and all that you do MEANS NOTHING if you don't have good intentions. I don't know if I have good intentions. I don't think I do.

Edit: I don't know why I can't see all the comments. Sorry.

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