So my story goes back to March 2015. Before then I was an innocent child but I got curious and it lead me to a dark path. I learned about porn and the act of masturbation, and for a few years I would do it mindlessly for a long time even during Ramadan and I had no idea that you were supposed to shower if you had performed such acts so now I feel like a lot of good intended fasts, prayers, and readings of the Quran has all gone to waste and the fasts I did break, I didn't make up for in anyway.
Now this year during Ramadan I decided to improve myself by performing more salahs that I would normally would but lust has gotten the better of me 4 times throughout and I've broken my fasts through masturbation as a result, and I've done it a couple times at night between fasts. Again, at this point I didn't know about how you're supposed to shower, and now I feel that good-intended fasts, Quran readings, and prayers in general have been void up until yesterday, where I found out that you were supposed to shower to make yourself clean again.
Now that I have found this out, I've been disappointed in myself for the sins I've committed and the number of invalid things I have done over the years as a result of these sins, in hopes I could be a decent Muslim. I'm also remorseful of the number of fasts I've broken over the years and not made up over the next year. What's done is done but I have a few questions for my life from here on out, so I can work on myself these last few days of Ramadan and onwards:
-How can I make up the fasts broken? I don't have the extra money I can feed 60 people, nor do I have strength to fast 60 consecutive days. Some friends I've consulted, said that I make up the fasts broken over the next year and repent for my sins, is that sufficient?
-How do I repent for the sins I've been doing these last years?
-Is it possible that Allah accepts these Salahs, Quran Readings, and fasts I did have good intentions for because of my ignorance?
-What are some ways I can get feelings of lust from my system?
-I did research online, and I'm confused as to what girls I have to what I have to "lower my gaze" from, can someone elaborate this for me?
In my heart I know I want to be a Muslim, but I feel like such a kafr because of what I've done from ages 14-19. I want to show Allah I care about Islam and I'm remorseful for all that I've done and inshallah I want him to let me into Jannah on the Day of Judgement.
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