Im a young muslim brother, 18 years of age. I've committed some sins, which I don't want to get in details. uge Probably the bigge. It was out of curiosity. Not out of desire. But its making my life bad. Im being tortured with thoughts and guilt day in and day out. I feel the hardening of my heart. I'm so far gone, and people can see it. I'm in need of some serious cleansing and this confinement is the perfect time. Everything I do I feel is wrong. Even people tell me everything you do is wrong (so its not my mind playing tricks on me). Its like I have no awareness. Like the shaytan is operating in my blind spot and I'm not conscious about it. I feel I'm barely a human or a mere person. Its like Im on self destruction mode.
Worst thing about it is that I was running away from my problems this whole time. Thinking if I laugh they'll go away. Also I was projecting my behavior on to others. I developed some personality issues. It was bad.
I want to cultivate a fear of Allah. A sustainable relationship with the divine. Dont want to be doomed. Want a complete cleansing.
If I lost on Earth. I dont want to lose on the hereafter.
So I guess what Im asking is. What do I do from here on out? What will get me on the right path. What will give me happiness fulfillment confidence Baraka, in this life and in the hereafter?
I read about the evil eye. It says the only thing that can alter the divine decree. Is the eye. Either that or all this is part of the divine decree, and its all a test. Which somehow I need to pass.
Is it just quran? Is it just prayers? How much do I need. I need the faith. Only thing that'll help me probably is islam.
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