Quick Bio: I’m an 18year old male, that’s surrounded in a very Arab Muslim community. I was raised in a very conservative household.
Ever since I was young Islam was the main thing that I was hearing, but I feel like the way it was taught to me was all wrong. Any time I heard Islam in my household it was automatically paired with a fear factor. An example being if I didn’t pray on time, I was told I’m going to hell. If my sister didn’t wear a hijab, she’s going to hell. The word hell and Islam were things that I always heard together whenever the religion was brought up.
My dad is very restrict and doesn’t allow any leniency at all for the religion. If prayer is at 12 and I’m even 5 mins late I get a lecture on how I’m straying from Islam and how I’m being a disbeliever. To me it was discouraging to hear that, I was doing my best. I would read Quran and if I missed a day I would get yelled at. Any time that we would see him it was always did you read Quran or pray on time? Did you do this recommended act? Never anything about how was your day or the likes of it.
There are times where I’m too tired to read duas or do special prayers. My dad will walk past me and just let out a huge sigh and start mumbling words like “God make him follow the path”.
Another thing was my cousins were being compared to me and started to resent me because their parents viewed me as a “star Muslim”. I hated it, I never wanted my cousins to hate me and that it worsened our relationship.
I’ve been drifting away from Islam ever since I was 16. I started to think about how my family would explain Islam to me and I started to disagree with it all. Pretty much everything my dad told me I disbelieve in. It’s confusing me and it sucks. My prayers have become more of stuff that get in my way and I stopped reading Quran as much. Any time I have a question it’s always, God said to do it so do it. I personally can’t be satisfied with that and need a logical explanation. Any time I’d get into a debate with my dad, he’ll always use the “God knows more than you” card and it ends there. Then I started to see how most Islamic leaders in my community are all fakes and live in mansions and go after money. It disgusted me and I stopped going to mosques because of that.
Now currently I’m always torn between what’s right and what’s wrong. I hear a Hadith that sounds a bit extreme and I don’t know how valid it is, but at the same time if I don’t believe in it then I’ll be going to hell. Deep down I know Islam isn’t meant to be this hard and confusing but it’s just that I’m confused on where to look. I can’t turn to my community leaders, and the Quran gives answers but some require tafsiir on a higher scale.
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