Salaam Brothers and Sisters,
After some time perusing different subreddits looking for encouragement and indirect advice, I have finally decided to speak up about my own life situation. I would really appreciate any advice or any comments from helpful members of this community, or maybe even from people who’ve been in a similar situation. This is my first post on here, so I apologize if it’s lengthy. I was unsure as to how to make it any shorter. I was guided by a moderator to post here and I only just created a login and don’t know all the intricacies of the site.
Unfortunately growing up I didn’t learn to read the Quran like other young Muslims did. Even though I was raised in a generally conservative Muslim family and consider myself to be a practicing Muslim (I.E. I eat only halal, fast during Ramadan, am generally knowledgeable about the teachings of the Quran/hadith etc.), I just never learned to read the Quran in Arabic. Basically, my whole childhood was me stopping and starting my lessons and I never ended up following through. My mom tried her best to teach me through the years but for different reasons, it ended up never happening for me. Due to being a working-class family at the time paid lessons seemed impossible (I have since learned this wasn’t a good excuse, and cheap lessons really aren’t that difficult to get). My parents have their faults like anyone else but they are incredibly loving and supportive Muslims and I love them very dearly. I don’t harbor any frustration against them and view this as my own shortcoming, something I need to solve by myself.
I am now 26 years old and finally getting back on track and committed to learning and finishing the Quran, no matter how long it takes me. On a typical day I work the usual 8-5 job, get home, rest a bit and study 2-3 hours for grad school. After that, a few days a week I try to devote a half hour or so to learning the Quran with my mom. I do half hour sessions because I’ve always been better at digesting info in small doses and it’s less overwhelming for me that way. After a few months progress is still very limited, unfortunately.
I understand this is an incredibly abnormal situation and perhaps no one on here has even encountered someone like me. Someone who views them self as a Muslim but is illiterate when it comes to reading the Arabic Quran. I’m focused, willing, and confident but honestly, I end up feeling so stupid after many of my lessons that it can be beyond frustrating. I recognize I’m not super old but I can tell my brain just can’t handle all the info/lessons I’m trying to put into it and its very true what they say about learning during youth being easier. Even at the age of 26, I feel like an old man trying to absorb my mom’s basic Quran lessons.
I have a reasonable amount of my life figured out Alhamdulillah. I work a good job, attend grad school, workout regularly, am fairly good looking, dress well etc. But the existential dread/fear of being behind and not remotely on the same level of Islamic understanding as others is really weighing me down. I have ambitions to be married to a good Muslim in the not too distant future inshAllah but I stay up at night sometimes worrying about what potentials and their families would think of me when they find out I haven’t even finished the Quran yet when so many other similar men have done so. I can’t really blame future potential matches for judging me about my Islamic shortcomings, let alone their families.
I secretly feel immensely “behind” and incompetent compared to my closest friends and family and this feeling is leading me to be really scared about my future. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What advise can people offer to improve my learning and retention? What tips do people have to become a better Muslim and become more desirable to a moderate Muslimah? Also, please keep me and my family in your duas as there are other struggles my family is going through. Jazakallah Khair to you all.
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