I've posted here several times, so I appreciate you guys handling my messy posts and frustrations and guiding your brother in the faith. I'm feeling quite overwhelmed man. I've spent quite a bit of time today thinking about reverts and wishing that I could just have a clean slate and be one. I never stopped believing in Allah, but I'm a hypocrite in that I've missed so many prayers, fasts, and whatever else that there is to do as a Muslim that I don't feel worthy and even deserving of praying, fasting and doing other religious obligations and duties. I'm almost 29, and a large majority of my years have been spent praying a prayer or two here, doing a fast or two for Ramadan here or there, and reading a page of the Quran here or there. I've tried my best to pray all my prayers and make Islam a priority in my life but it always ends up lasting a few days before I cave in and go back to my careless ways and start only praying once a day or not praying at all, until months pass and the cycle repeats itself all over. If I die tonight I'd surely go straight to hell and I feel so demotivated to even fix my situation because a lot of people say I must make things up (realistically, I won't be able to, I've already given it much thought). Also, a lot of you will say to just repent at the bare minimum (and I've done so a billion times, and I have gone back to my old ways). By now, Allah probably sees my repentance as a joke (I am not saying that I know what Allah thinks/does and I am probably super sinful for even saying this but I feel so ashamed that I repent and keep repeating the same mistakes a million times over which is why I'm saying this). I just wish there was a reset button. I wish there was something I could do to just turn a light switch on, be a good and subservient Muslim and not cave into the desires of this world. I'm truly a pathetic Muslim, if I'm one at all, and I pray that I can one day change and be consistent. Allah is deserving of all the worship in the world, unfortunately I'm too pathetic to pray to consistently although he deserves it. Ah, like I said, I wish there was a reset button, but I've tried repenting a trillion times and it's gotten me nowhere and I feel ashamed/embarrassed. Some hardline scholars/sheikhs would probably just tell me that all of that in my past was nothing but a missed opportunity, opportunities that I'll never be able to get back that is just lost in an eternal sea of time.
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from Islam https://ift.tt/3bDbLXj
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