First of all Selam Aleykum brothers and sisters . I dont know how to put this straight and to not be missunderstood but here it goes ( dont mind my english ) . When I was 19 ( 23 now ) I started university and was really kinda depressed. My friends abandoned me , nobody loved me , I felt lonely . I started smoking and drinking sometimes , even I tried weed . Before that I started praying 5 times a day but I abandoned it cuz there was to much pressure and I was not so much knowledgeable and also scared so I abandoned it . For 3 years I prayed only on jummuah and fasted and thats it . All I did was go out and stayed during the whole day playing videogames . Afterwards I met a muslim friend which Allah send me elhamdulilah and I started praying . The weird thing is that I prayed without feeling anything, I just did it . During these time I tried talking with girls and no matter what I did it always ended with nothing in the end . I felt no emotion , no joy , nothing . I had my family there but I couldnt stand at my own home . I just looked to stay alone away from people because of my anxiety . I couldnt even get a job no matter what I did and I felt lost . After meeting that muslim friend , I started praying and latter on Ramadan , Elhamdulilah Allah guided me again . Finally now I understood the message of Islam so much better and I realised that praying is not something miraculous as Allah said in quran that Salah is a prevention from evil . After praying something kept me pushing in understanding islam so much better of course thanks to Allah . Last year to be exact I invited a bunch of my friends to my house to have fun . There was this girl who came and she asked for my hair brusher , she asked for a t shirt of mine and she brought a lemon from her house . After that day I felt terrible . This was my statement: I am waking up really bad without no reason , I am praying , I am fasting , I am healthy , I have a good family, I have a good home , but why am I feeling terrible without reason ? After that I went to a ruqyah and he said that somebody did sihr to me . I could see that on salah my chest would be tight and I would shake . When the raqi recited quran there was this part Eh Sihrun Hedhe meaning this is sihr and I reacted like exorcism really weird . I said wow this must be it . During these years this was my answer but really was it ? I was feeling terrible throughout 3 years and didnt know anything about it . I went to do ruqya for like 10 times and no success . I tried different raqis and no success . There was this time when a raqi said that I have old sihr and also one time my body went numb and I started laughing like a maniac even though I was conscious. I did ruqyah water , quran , wudhu all the time , Hijama but no success even though I feel so much better . I am struggling with this mental state of mine . Am I good , am I bad , is this how I am supposed to feel? Can sihr make you feel bad and stop you from rizq and getting married ? Its like in math when you make questions but you don't know what you dont know ? My friends says that dont give attention to it and I started not caring about it but still during quran my body shakes and during the day and what not its like having a spike on your leg and ignoring it even though you feel it . I dont know what to do or what to heal ? Am I being just bad myself and i dont have sihr at all ? Or I have sihr and I am ignoring it ? I dont have emotional things anymore . Like I haven't even cried in 3 years no tears . My heart is like stone . I can literally stay beside a really beautiful woman and feel nothing at all . I miss crying . I miss feeling joy or emotions . Sometimes good sometimes bad . This are really weird questions that I dont have an answer. I pray to Allah every night : O turner of hearts, clean my heart from bad . Its interesting how calm I feel during quran and during it I cry for no reason . I don't feel like crying but its like my soul is crying instead of me . I started a job elhamdulilah and I am feeling much better but for how long should I feel like this ? Whats my problem ? Allah blessed me with a lot of things . Is this just life ? I mean I have no expectations from life or from others . I am not into materialism or greedy . Mashallah I see people everyday with great life , good children , good wealth good woman and I always say Mashallah , someday I hope Allah will bring joy to my heart . For a time I started thinking that I need a woman but I realised nobody can make happy except you . If I marry I am just gonna feel nothing . I actually dont even believe in real love . Everything is interest . I don't have much wealth but truly I am content with everything I have . I have confidence , I am good looking , I take care of myself but that consistence is missing . I just want to feel normal . My family loves me but I dont feel that love . Something is wrong with me . Any advice you have is appreciated.
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from Islam https://ift.tt/2SDhgN5
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