There is no tl;dr. I wish I could tl;dr my experience. If you can do it, please do, I'm sure there's gonna be a cheeky person in the comments to ask anyways. :-) You can read a part, or all, or don't. The option is yours. I will set some sub-headings or something tomorrow btw when I get sleep. But this is a message and a wake up call to those in the ummah with mental health issues, and an epiphany I'd like to share with you all:
Bismilliahi Rahmani Raheem
I've realised in the lowest times of my life, which I'd say is now, where my self-worth lies, if I even have any and who my family really is. It's a bit cheesy...but those who don't treat you well at your worst don't really deserve you at your best. And those who continuously destroy your self-esteem don't really deserve your time or attention. This doesn't mean be rude to others. Manners are still important. But your time, is your form of respect. Allocate it where it belongs.
Why should my self-worth depend on how much money I am making or whether I'm a somebody with a job title? Do I always have to be doing well to get the attention and kindness? Then it's worthless! Hollow! And has zero value. Welcome to the dunya where people value objects which has zero value in the akirah and abandon the self within and their deen for a small worldly gain. And they forget Allah. And Allah SWT promises a miserable life on these people.
The human condition is such that when the inside is abandonment, the entire outer state of affairs will suffer. Whether social, spiritual, or physical. If the mind isn't in the condition it should be in, and the self inside is corroding, it will reflect on your outer reality.
Self - esteem by definition is:
confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect
It doesn't just appear. It has to be polished. It has to be looked after, attended to, and treated with care, the right kind.
The outside world isn't a constant, one day a person may like you, one day they ignore you. So can you rely on them for everything? No! So where does self worth come from? It comes from within. And certainly those who only value you for these social masks you wear to please others around you or worldly items, they value THOSE items or that mask and not actually you. This is a harsh and very sad fact I was forced to face very recently.
I would like to put down this ayat because it summarises this delusion known as the dunya rather well:
Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children - like the example of a rain whose [resulting] plant growth pleases the tillers; then it dries and you see it turned yellow; then it becomes [scattered] debris. And in the Hereafter is severe punishment and forgiveness from Allah and approval. And what is the worldly life except the enjoyment of delusion. [57:20]
I opened my eyes about the depth of emotional neglect in my family after listening to an islamic lecture about 'worshipping' Allah in the incorrect way, and the video used an example of a mother who asks her son/daughter if they love them, and they say yes, so the mother says 'my hands hurt because I have arthritis, please wash the dishes if you love me' and the child says 'I love you...but I will give you cake instead'... Allah similarly prescribed a deen for us to follow. If we say we believe but don't do, or we say we believe but in the wrong way, do we really love and understand Allah SWT? Does the child who said 'Hmm...I don't want to wash the dishes...but I'll give you some cake' Really love his/her mother? Really think about it.
This version is not true love. The mother asked for the dishes washed, but the child decides to do something else! Sure this is a simple example, and I'm sure we all have lazy days like this, but in general true filal love is based on ACTION and UNDERSTANDING. Without both, the words is simply cheap decoration. We don't have to be perfect, that's what we aim for, but we should be GOOD ENOUGH. Remember: ACTION and UNDERSTANDING
. . .Say, "Are those who know equal to those who do not know?" Only they will remember [who are] people of understanding. [39:9]
If your family (mine in my case) do not 'act' but simply believe...say they love you but don't listen in your worst moments...say they understand but keep repeating their hurtful "mistakes"...keep saying they will change but never do...it is hollow. It isn't true filial love. You can do what you THINK filial love is, you can let's say water a flower with orange juice (silly example but)...if it doesn't get the correct nutrients it needs...the flower will wilt...
Humans are the same. When a child isn't nurtured properly, they begin to feel hollow inside, pains of loneliness begin to emerge. Our parents can like you - but they don't and won't go the extra mile unless you show physical signs of distress...so you are forced to harm yourself to get the attention you need? That's a dangerous zone to put a person with mental health issues with. Why should we have to have physical issues for such attention to be given to us? Why should we feel guilty or ashamed for this basic human right? I'm not talking about constantly being attended to, oh no. I'm talking about basic parenting, the ability to emotionally provide for your children, something we all believe every parent gives their child, but something which I did not receive. This is where I feel the modern muslim parent is failing their children in ways I really feel the Prophet Muhammad SAW would lament today if he ever saw this now, especially many in my own community I've met.
Narrated by his wife Aishah, “Some Bedouin people came to the Prophet (may the blessings and peace of God be upon him) and said: ‘Do you kiss your children?’ He said: ‘Yes.’ [The Bedouin] said: ‘But we, by Allah, never kiss (our children).’ The Prophet (may the blessings and peace of God be upon him) said: ‘What can I do if Allah has taken away mercy from you?’” (Sunan ibn Majah). link
You can be showered with gifts, items, empty words. Your parents can say 'I raised you from when you were young' You can also respect their struggle. But if they don't work to emotionally provide for you, to give you the guidance you truly need, properly teach you the wisdoms in Islam and life, guide you according to your personality and nurture your growth. If they are only feeding your and buying your things and taking you to school, and then you form mental health issues due to the lack of self-esteem, and then they push you to the adult world with no tools of self-nurturance, zero self-esteem, zero confidence, social anxiety or depression and an inability to complete any task you set and an inability to notice social red flags, and then they totally invalidate your negative experiences...How is that true understanding? True love? When I am sad I wasn't listened to, when I was upset I was ignored. When I was angry I was made to feel bad about my emotions....or told 'aoothu billahi minashaydani rajeem' when I was simply expressing a normal emotional reaction to invalidation. In Islam you are supposed to respect your parents. As said 'paradise is under the mother's feet'.
However sometimes this and the constant reminders from parents about their 'self-sacrifice' drowns us in guilt. Makes us feel more guilty for having emotional issues. Stops us from realising we need mental help. I feel a lot of parents, muslim or not do this. But when in Islam the parents are put on a pedastal, which on the one hand is good, but sometimes it makes it very hard for us to open our eyes and see that our parents provided for us physically...but abandoned us emotionally...we can accept and understand our parents provided for our every physical need...but they never watered that flower inside of us, our self-worth. They never validated our ideas or experiences and now believe we can suddenly be pushed into the world, but we have no armor, our self-esteem to protect us, our true self to guide us.
Parenthood is extremely important. Anyone who has watched the 'still face experiment' on youtube, easily searchable or knows about the 'attachment theory' knows exactly why that is. Babies don't have a sense of self and the parent's job in the first few years isn't simply feeding the child, changing their diapers, clothes or waking up in the evening to feed them more...No...that's only half the job...the other half sadly too many parents do not do is to provide the safe area/space for the child to explore and the parent should validate the child so that they can build a sense of self. React with the child. Play with the child. Validate the child's experiences. Listen to the child and REALLY understand the child's needs and attempt to meet them. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just needs to be GOOD ENOUGH.
Eventually there would come a point where they won't need the parent as much anymore and can explore the world on their own. A parent who emotionally neglects their child provides no emotional validation...so this process of forming the self cannot take place. And it has a catastrophic snowball effect on every aspect in life, especially insidious since invisible and emerges to its full size in adulthood. There's no physical evidence the child didn't get affection or just wasn't emotionally nurtured. But with no or little self-esteem, social relationships suffer...and the pain of rejection or problems in life hurt that much more than the average child equipped with self-esteem..no wonder anxiety and depression emerge in many like us.
Without that inner safety, or values, you have no sense of self. Or safety. Nobody ever talks about this here, but that can cause those like this to avoid red flags in people and attract the worst kind of people like narcissistic personalities who seek to destroy people like this with low self esteem....So you cannot look after your own affairs, because you have no self worth and neglect yourself, and it opens you up to future dangers, or even suicidal tendencies, and yes, even health issues due to self-neglect. And this can pass on sadly to offspring, continuing this cycle.
Those like me became a social chameleon to 'blend in', or others turn to drugs/music/alcohol to cope with the emptiness, or isolate myself totally (also me) or become narcissist or get mental health issues or a variety of issues without a single clue why, while thinking they are messed up or think that 'anxiety' or 'depression' is the cause. Others invest in 'idols' like many muslim kpop fans because they don't have their own sense of self worth, so idealise others while devaluing themselves. Parents forget their VERY IMPORTANT ROLE of nurturing self esteem in children and making them feel wanted or heard and not dismissing them. Many people go through life without this realisation that some kind of shame is driving their actions, and I would have been one of them if I didn't go on my mental health journey very recently and discover this invisble force, which Carl Jung calls 'the shadow'.
“The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge.” - Carl Jung, Aion (1951)
And misery makes big business. They can sell you all kinds of rubbish and put the label of 'love' and 'care' or 'happiness' on it, and many snap it right up, trying to fill the emotional void within, without realising this shadow had taken the driver's seat of your life.
The year and decade almost ends and I don't really have a support system, an identity, or guidance beyond Islam. Islam guided me away from the bigger harams I would have undoubtedly used to cope with this like alcohol or drugs no doubt, and therefore a bigger ditch to climb out of.
It already took a very long time to convince my parents (and myself) I actually have mental health issues and I don't need quran read on me...this conflict inside of me between 'Being a bad muslim due to having low iman' and struggling greatly in understanding the bigger picture of life and the difficulties of it brought me here today because I'm beginning to realise the modern world of muslims and the dunya in general has an epidemic of people abandoning knowledge, or having little knowledge and they are abandoning their inner self or the teachings of Allah for the world when it suits them, when the world will never give them the true peace they are looking for. Both sides are doing things they shouldn't which really explains why both muslims and non muslims are losing themselves. Just look at the kpop world suicides to see exactly what I am talking about, people who display an image to the world which is false but they aren't really happy, and many of the muslims who follow this world for example while losing their own identities. Btw I mention kpop a lot because I was a former fan.
And whoever turns away from My remembrance - indeed, he will have a depressed life. . . [20:124]
And the muslims too, they aren't following the deen correctly as prescribed, especially in the field of parenting. I was watching videos about the fitrah (human nature) recently and I realised even muslim parents raise their children not upon the fitrah of Islam and deen, Ignore the Prophet Muhammad SAW, and then there's confused kids out there who are muslim, but not on the way of the prophet Muhammad SAW. Prophet Muhammad SAW, many overlook this, but his actions were of a very emotionally intelligent person, who knew it was important to look properly at others, listen to others, guide others, and he LOVED his children, truly. He UNDERSTOOD how he should be a parent, and took ACTIONS to help his children. And showed emotion, and kindness, and empathy. But many reading the hadiths ignore these points. And so passages about respecting parents is brought up by parents...but the passages about the way the Prophet SAW was a parent isn't mentioned. And kindness, isn't valued as much.
Where is this kindness and empathy today in our world? This shared respect and understanding? This is what is truly missing. This is what I felt missing throughout my life at home, but found again in my own path to Islam. This is why I follow the deen, more than ever, and totally do not follow the muslims besides the Prophet SAW and past prophets/sahabas, because a lot of muslims today are misguided or confused, and following everything but what is right in front of them.
Coming back to the topic, I'm also writing this to those who feel their mental health is clouding their ability to connect with Allah. Trust me when I say I couldn't pray properly this week because at some prayers I was physically almost ready to attack myself from the shame I feel...when it gets that bad you know it's time to stop and think long and hard about whether you think your problem is 'small'...and what could be causing it. There was layers of heavy denial I had to go through to even get to where I am today. It is NOT a waste of time to research about something that effects your entire life and your akhirah. So do it, I mean seriously if you are like myself, it is a matter of your life, whole life, which you will carry this weight with you throughout it and it will continue to snowball unless addressed. And it will come out in ways you don't like if ignored. So prioritise it. Study yourself. Who are you really, without all the decorations of the dunya? When was the last time you sat in a room, alone without technology and really, just...sat there with yourself and listened to your inner needs? Really get to understand who you are and what you need emotionally and spiritually.
Know that your emotional needs are the most important and that if left unattended to, your deen can suffer. Trust me, these are the strongest words I am telling you, if you ignore your mental health needs (in my case my family thought I had evil eye, etc...), and don't research, your deen WILL SUFFER. You are not bad for having low iman because of it, actually you are strong for holding on. But it is your responsibility now since you are an adult with the power, now you do have power, to take your own path into the future, no matter how scary it is, because your will not find the answers at home. Know what you need, don't need, what you had in childhood and what you didn't have. If you have some compassionate people in your lives, value them, and don't break ties with those who respect and understand you and listen. Read books, if you can find therapy. Forget money, cars, riches, your social media account, those things are simply covers. Know why you may have self-esteem issues than if you need to GET HELP externally. Any form of act in the service of Allah is Ibadah. Helping your mental health to improve your deen IS IBADAH. So get help. Please.
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