and the problem is that I am kinda afraid but at the same time don't really care anymore. I used to be a strict muslim but after years my faith has changed and I stopped believing everything like a lot of hadiths which never made sense to me and were contradicting to Allah being merciful and to what is written in the quran. Also no human being could live a normal life like that and take this pressure their whole lives. I just followed the religion blindly and thought I was always right but then I realized that most things are a lie and this confused me even more because I was and still am wondering if not more things are lies or even the whole thing. Although I am not certain about this and still believe in the religion being true.
There are too many questions in my head. I am not that kind of person that blames everything on Islam I just don't understand why things are the way they are and have cognitive dissonance a lot of the time. It is not that I am losing my faith in the existence of Allah or God. My problem is that I am slowly losing my faith in religion.. I don't know if it is just a phase or if this is a sign that I will leave the religion soon and stay a believer but stop being religious. The thing is also it is called "belief" for a reason. You can only find out the whole truth when you die because before that you can't say if something is 100% true.
I used to be a very convinced person and honestly also kinda narrow-minded. "Only this and that is true, nothing else, 100%, you are wrong be aware" but of course I am gonna think this way if I read and hear the same things many times and don't question these things. You were being controlled by fear and with fear you can keep the masses quiet. I became a more open-minded person.
But something else... now I am wondering how Allah can throw someone into hell (always did unconcsiously but now even more) just because he wasn't praying 5 times a day but therefore a very good hearted person. Like is it that important? It is a bit weird because Allah created us just to serve and obey him? I thought prayers were for us not for him. Also waking up for fajr is really hard because you go to work in the morning and you lose a couple of hours of sleep bc after that you can't sleep anymore. So you don't function the whole day and are too tired and sleepy for anything. Anyway I just wanted to give you an overview, I will come to the point now.
I have been struggling with depression for years and don't tell me it is because of my low iman or bc of this and that, please. I used to have a strong Iman and it changed nothing.. Also when I pray I don't feel anything. I am just wondering why Allah has to give me this illness or why Allah has to give some people more than others. I used to think that this is just life and he knows better etc. but honestly I don't know what to think anymore because it is unfair and will be unfair. I even went to therapy and it didn't help. Depression isn't something that someone can endure an eternity, it is just a matter of time until someone commits suicide. So why does he give me this illness if I am going to kill myself anyway and then go to hell?? And why does he have to punish someone that killed themselves? What if that pain was too much to bear and the person tried everything and it just didn't go away. Imo if someone wants to leave, they should be allowed to leave. Everything I did and did not do was for nothing then. This makes me even more angry and depressed tbh.
I don't know what I am trying to find here... Maybe help, advice, guidance, enlightenment, the truth. I don't know.
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