Assamualaikum,In the past few months, I have been working to reform myself. I used to pray without wudu, and I started doing wudu. I used to use profane language often by habit, and have brought that to nearly zero (it may come out once in a while by mistake, but no longer habitual). I once had a problem with pornography in the past, but was able to overcome, and have remained clean for around 10 days so far, and inshallah, it will be longer. I used to talk to some girls on Instagram fairly often as "just friends", but have cut down my contact with those people greatly, limiting it to school related talks, or waving to them in the hallways in order to be polite.Last night, I sat down, ready to repent for my former pornography addiction, as I finally felt that I was worthy enough to ask for forgiveness, and I did, and I sat there for about ten minutes, but no tears came. This would not have been much of a surprise, as I usually do not cry, even in tragedies, but I had read somewhere that my repentance would be accepted if I shed tears in front of Allah the almighty. The only tears that came to my eyes that night, were just the tears the eye produces when tired, not real tears.
When I gave up, I returned to my phone, and researched. I went on a few Muslim forums along with Quora, and all of them had a response which spoke of a hard heart. I went on YouTube, and researched what a hard heart means in Islam, and I found many videos on how to fix a hard heart, and symptoms of a hard heart. I learned that a hard heart is one of the worst punishments from Allah (SAW), where the prayer would turn into a chore or nuisance (which I am ashamed to admit has been a thought in my mind before, though less often since I started working to reform myself), that I am unable to cry towards Allah subhanuatallah in my prayer, even in repentance, and that I can have anger, arrogance, etc. in my heart. The thing that I definitely have is anger, and it is something I wish to cease along with my inability to fin comfort in my prayer.
The websites I went on also provided cures to a hard heart, but all of said cures appear to be beyond my league as a High School Junior. Going to an orphan and patting his head, taking care of the poor and the widows, etc. I can't even control my own little brothers sometimes. There is also the wall of my parents. I do not want them to know that I think I have a hard heart. I do not wish for them to worry even more for me, when they are already more stressed than I am for my school grades (as in, they are stressed about my stress, not about my grades as much, since my grades are getting better). I do not wish to then have them rush me to an orphanage, or to the house of a widow all of a sudden. Other than what comes in the next paragraph, what can I do?
The situation in my house, Mashallah, is stable. I love and care for my parents, and same with one of my brothers (younger of the two). The other brother, middle child, I do not know about. He often goes out of his way to be annoying despite being in middle school. When I eat at home, I eat in silence. When in my room, whether working, playing video games, learning about Islam, talking to friends, anything, the only people I am in with barging in without permission, is my parents who birthed me and made the house. My brother likes to go out of his way to keep talking nonsense during eating, barging into my room, and overall trying to be annoying.
Would making peace with this brother help my hard heart? Even if it does not, how can I do it. My brother may be annoying, but my mother ends up having to see us getting into arguments, and I do not want her having to deal our arguments.
As an update, I wrote this over the course of three school periods. I was close to tears whenever writing this, though I did not let them out. When I closed my computer to change classes (we were not doing anything of importance in the classes), the tears went away immediately. Is this a sign of the softening of my heart due to self-awareness, or not?
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