as-salāmu ‘alaykum.
I've been an atheist my whole life but always had so many questions as to HOW people could believe. I had an experience that I felt opened my heart to feel "faith" instead of "seeing it" with my eyes. I had always been drawn to islam for some reason, so I began reading the Qu'Ran. It gave me a lot of "aha" moments both positive and negative. I ran into a scholar which I asked a bunch of questions about the existence of god etc. I reached the conclusion that there can be no other answer than what Islam has given and he asked me if I did actually believe in God and that Muhammed (pbuh) was his prophet, to which I had to admit I did. So I did my shahada and alot of weight felt lifted from my chest, like all my worries disappeared.
I know carry God with me in almost everything I do, I stay reminded of him and I can feel that this has a positive effect on my life. I am currently learning more and more as to how I will live my life from now on. I do however have a few questions.
I was born and raised in an atheist ordinary western family (alcohol is a normal part of our lives and so is pig) - I've chosen to refrain from eating pig as I don't really like the taste of it either. Islam has helped me with addiction (I used to smoke weed EVERY DAY), and I feel like its a burden that's been lifted. I don't feel the NEED for it anymore. I still have the choice (shaytan) but I don't feel compelled. NOTHING has been able to do that for me my entire life, except now; islam.
Another thing is Alcohol. It's such a normal part of life to go out, get drunk and have fun. It's hard for me to let it go, but I've chosen to do it and I pray to have the strength to leave it. I've managed to find the reasons for me getting drunk: getting confident enough to get with girls. I realized the paradox and that I won't need alcohol for that - the consequences outweigh the benefits. My question is however this:
I have a hard time coming to peace with that fact that I cannot be with girls anymore (atleast non-muslim) and that I should prepare for marriage. I don't have a biological instinct that tells me to drink alcohol, therefore I can let it go, but I still have some biological instinct that urges me to be with girls. I am in fact a sexual being. I know that in Islam you cannot pick and choose, but I rationalize my behaviour with this:
1: It's a biological instinct. It's natural, why would I refrain? I understand that under Ramadan (just as with eating), I should refrain, just to work against that biological instinct.
2: The most important one is this (please try to understand where I'm coming from): The relationship between me and God is between me and God. I'm changing my life to do better in His eyes, to please him, to hopefully allow me a place in Jannah, to thank him for everything He's given us. I know you can't pick and choose in Islam, but if I redo my entire life, start praying my Salah, remember God in everything I do, refrain from most Haram things such as eating pig (and alcohol, which is a hard battle for me), and do good - but still wan't to have the pleasure of being with women every once in a while when it suits me, wouldn't I have a higher chance of entering Jannah than if I did not become muslim at all (after hearing the truth and still not living/believing it)?
To put it even more simply (tldr)
Would God prefer me neglecting Islam after hearing the truth and living my life completely like a kufr (drinking alcohol, eating pig, sinning daily) continously or would he prefer me being the best muslim I could be but still having faults and flaws (and maybe even choosing to accept that) in regards to having regular sex with non-muslim women?
I realize in a later point in life that my priorities might change, but as it stands now I have a hard time giving up this only one thing. I can work with everything else, but I'm young and I would hate to waste this time where I'm young and "free" and should be having those experiences.
Sorry for the long block of text and sorry for any wrong words I might have used. This is my first post and I hope to see some useful answers. If you have any other tips please let me know.
Aleykum Salam
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