I know no test is too much to bear, and perhaps this is just a punishment. I’ve been making dua for the last month for Allah to find a way for me out of this job without harming me (except financially). Essentially, I can’t quit because of the repercussions it could have. I could make dua for the worst not to happen, but that feels like jumping out of a plane without a parachute and hoping for the best to happen. I have to stay here for 2 more years. Basically, I either stay here for 2 years and safeguard my future, or I can quit and put my future at risk. My boss very well might refuse to give me a letter of recommendation, making my two years of work a total waste.
I’m starting to go crazy. I’m not doubtful that Allah is answering my dua, but I feel it’s not going to happen in this life. I’m starting to break down: im sad all the time, I hate everything, I’m exhausted. It has brought me closer to Allah (I keep making dua, I offer more prayers). I hope to keep this up even if the dua is answered or not, because I love the feeling of being close to Allah—regardless if I am close to Him in reality.
I’m failing this test—or punishment—because I feel I’m going to explode. I’m not suicidal, but I feel I’m going to keel over and die. At this point I sometimes make dua for evil things to happen to me or my boss, and I keep pushing away these thoughts because I know we should not ask for shar. I can’t keep going, though, and I would prefer a test where I’m hospitalized over this for another two years.
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