The last few months since Ramadan have been really a nightmare religiously. I've always had a rather obsessive personality and I let it get the best of me. I became so obsessive over every little part of prayer that it was taking several hours a day just to do the basic requirements, which then led to me skipping prayers and doing them halfheartedly from making it too hard on myself. Same thing happened with food. I began overthinking every aspect of food to where I was going hungry not eating and then bingeing out on everything, including haram stuff.
Now I am getting psychological help for my obsessiveness and really trying to get back on track religiously. The issue is I just have this deep sense that maybe eating the haram food is leading none of my worship to be accepted. There was no excuse-I ate it knowing it was haram and just thinking "oh, I can ask forgiveness later", that type of ridiculous mindset. So even though I did make sincere tawba after, I worry it won't be accepted because I was already so like "oh, I'll just do tawba after" before, so I don't know how I could ever properly ask for forgiveness about this. I am worried because I know some proteins and micronutrients from foods can stay in your bloodstream for weeks or even months. I have read all the hadith and scholarly traditions about how any part of the body nourished by haram will not have worship accepted from it basically and is destined from Hellfire (excuse me as I know that's not exact quotes but I'm too upset right now to locate everything I mean). But you get the point. I worry until all of this food is completely and entirely out of my system, Allah will not accept my deeds and this is depressing me so much. I really wanted to make the most of Dhul-Hijjah to get myself back on track but this is eating away at me. Anyway I'm so sorry to go on so long-I just find this community can offer some good insight often so felt the need to let this out there. May Allah reward us and guide us all.
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