(Forgive my poor writing/typing and the length. I apologize)
I CANNOT stop daydreaming about suicide. I'm wanting so badly to end my life each moment but I know this would displease Allah subhanahu wa tala.
I stop myself from trying to go into it too hard but I'm constantly thinking about this. All the time. I get constant flashbacks of certain events that haunt me even as I type this. I'm constantly thinking about death. All the time. Embracing it. Islam is keeping me from not wanting to. In fact I get those thoughts but in reality I get so happy even with what little I have just reading the Qur'an. Its like a psychological cure for me but I can't read the Qur'an all day long. Its just not possible.
The problem I see is that I sin constantly. Among the worst is that I play video games. Like extremely play video games. 😔 I play games with clear shirk and mythology in it like Greek and Norse gods etc. I play games of military with shooting. I play games with some sexual content. I play games that include playing as Muslims, but I always pick to play as Muslims in them, like war games. Like Age of Empires. I'm obsessed and I do it as my pastime.
Some more of my background could explain more. I'm a convert to Islam, 3 years or so now actually. I've been a pretty poor Muslim. I learn EXTREMELY slow and I don't have any close Muslim friends, so I'm sort of a loner I guess. I just read my Qur'an when I can and watch occasional youtube videos. Too poor to get to any Masjid actually so I pray alone and have never prayed with another. My family and myself grew up playing games. Constantly and always. Nostalgic memories of playing and taking turns on the gamecube, playing PC games, and my entire family at one point (a very large family) all playing a game called World of Warcraft together. We still have a guild to this day. My mindset was always on gaming and games for literally my entire existence since I was at least 2 or 3, when I remember always being with my dad playing games. I'm heartbroken because I'm attached to this still.
I cry and just sit for minutes in paralyzing grief every time I pull up my games. Then I just quit and go to my bed and sit under my covers until I fall asleep. I can't compel myself to pray to Allah due to my shame, and yes I'm 100% aware Allah desires me to do that in that moment. Then I get back up and sit there again and start playing.
I don't know how to quit these games. Other things in life that have happened to me that are very traumatic to me to this day, probably have PTSD actually, and I went to games to fix my issues. Allah Subhanahu wa tala loves all of us, but in the Qu'ran those who embrace sin are those He hates. I don't embrace my sin but I can't stop it. I have paralyzing guilt and grief over this and I cannot stop.
I want to give up games and pursue a career that has nothing to do with games as I'm currently pursuing as before I converted to Islam. I was studying coding and was trying to become an Indie game dev. Now I want to put that behind me. I don't know what I can do but I prayed to Allah and I want to put down my games for good. I have an addiction. 😥 I seriously am extremely overwhelmed.
I'm a little embarrassed about this post because It sound stupid to be crying about this. I kept this secret to all but Allah and I seek His guidance. Inshallah.
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