~Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim~
Asalaam Alaikum wr wb,
I want to begin by highlighting that no community has treated me better than the ummah, Alhamdulillah. I feel so undeserving of such unwavering generosity and support.
But there’s also been a matter that’s been plaguing me as a female white muslim revert for the last 10 years. After discussing this with lots of other reverts, it sounds like this is actually quite a common experience we have regardless of our various ethnic backgrounds.
Basically without fail, anytime I go to ANY mosque I will get asked, “where are you from?”. It then goes one of two ways: that’s all they ask and then continue with whatever they’re doing (as if it’s a random screening question lol), or they might use that question to launch into what feels like an interrogation:
-But where are you really from? -Your parents? -Where do you live? -Which street? -Are you in school? -What do you do? -Are you married? -How did you convert to Islam? -What do your parents think of your conversion? -Do you have any siblings? -What’s your muslim name? -How come you don’t have one?
I absolutely dread this. I’m left feeling extremely uncomfortable and dehumanized even. Just because I am crossing paths with a fellow muslim, doesn’t mean they deserve to have full access to information about my personal life. It feels like a huge invasion of my privacy, as if I’m being exposed. It’s further complicated by the fact that some of my answers to these questions are deeply complex and might contain elements that aren’t exactly halal so isn’t something I’m quick to share in case they go haram police on me. I’m left feeling flustered because I don’t want to lie. Particularly regarding my conversion story, I find people anticipate the cliff notes version, which feels unfair and wrong to share as it wouldn’t be given proper justice.
99.9% of the time afterwards I don’t interact with these interrogators ever again; either it’s a one time encounter or if it’s with women at my local mosque they’ll just say salaams and that’s it. It feels very one-sided; like they only asked me all these questions to merely satiate their own curiosity. There was never any tangible purpose in questioning me. It’s like they forget that I’m human and that they wouldn’t like to have that done to them if the tables were turned.
What makes this most jarring is that I live in a very multicultural country and diverse area. In light of suddenly looking like a racial minority at the mosque, I still don’t believe it warrants such unsolicited questioning.
As I get older I’m also realizing that this could also be a huge safety issue. More and more I’m left feeling very paranoid as I don’t know what they are going to do with all the information they have about me now. Sadly, I’ve had instances where these questions were asked for ulterior motives: random offers of marriage and demands for money.
Present circumstances make it unable for me to wear my hijab out in public (please don’t ask me why in the comments lol). I look like any average white woman out there that no one would ever bother to ask where I’m from. But as soon as I’m at the mosque with my hijab on, my racial/ethnic background suddenly draws enormous interest. I have found that there is no other community that is this obsessed with what my background is. Usually people ask what my name is first when getting to know me, but at the mosque it always starts with “where are you from?”. It’s frustrating, why does this matter so much, and why should I feel pressured to answer things I don’t want to share?
It’s taken me 10 years to realize I can ask questions back! Ironically by doing this I’ve noticed how reluctant other people are to answer the very same questions they ask me. I try to make it more about them than me, and in that moment I think they realize how incredibly uncomfortable this is when it’s done to them (I hope). But here’s the thing: I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to play any games. And doing this still means I have to answer their questions first.
I completely acknowledge that I have brought this all on myself because I have given into the pressure in answering people’s questions. So while I might be annoyed by them doing this, I realize that I’m most annoyed with myself because I have not been able to deal with this in a skillful manner yet. I refuse to believe that this is just how it’s going to be and that I just need to accept it. No longer going to mosques is also not a viable solution because I shouldn’t have to feel like I can no longer go because of this. I’m finally at a point in my life where I feel comfortable speaking up (perks of getting older!). Here’s the problem, I am completely clueless about how to establish this boundary without it being too harsh. I keep wondering how our Holy Prophet (saw) would deal with this, but I’m truly drawing blanks.
How do I politely decline answering such personal questions without starting any drama or coming across as cold? I don’t want to cause any arguments, but I also know that I’m not responsible for how people choose to react and that I can no longer continue succumbing to this pressure either. I believe I can be more in control of these scenarios than I think, I’m just not sure how yet. It’s mostly other women that do this to me who are usually middle-aged, if that’s at all relevant to shaping your answers.
Jazakallah for your help!
TLDR: I look racially ambiguous in hijab which prompts Muslims at the mosque to ask where I’m from along with a string of other personal questions I don’t feel comfortable answering. How can I tell people to stop doing this in a way that’s peaceful, sets a boundary and doesn’t incite any conflict?
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