(non-Muslim, female here considering converting, taking the time to educate myself, learn and figure things out first of course)
I have 2 main things I wanted to ask about, that are related of course - concerning Ramadan and Prayer. I apologize in advance for the long post and anything that may come off as offensive - please know I don't intend it.
With Ramadan coming up, I intend to participate for the first time. Some of my Muslim friends and colleagues encourage non-Muslims to do Ramadan, and preach that it has at least physical and mental health benefits and plenty of scientific research and personal anecdote to support it. However a few have told me that it doesn't matter if I do it because "it doesn't count" since I'm not actually Muslim. This kind of hurts my feelings, to be honest, because I'm not trying to just "earn points to heaven" or something so honestly I could care less if it "counts" or not....but isn't it all about intention and learning? It may still bring me closer to God. I'd still understand better the suffering of less fortunate and be more aware of those around me and make more efforts to be a good person, no? I don't know a single person who comes out at the end of Ramadan worse than they were when it started, quite the opposite...also since I have many friends and colleagues who will be fasting, whom we spend a lot of time together with and work and study together, it makes sense for me to participate too. It would be lonely and stressful if I just ignorantly waited for them to be "done" with it so that we can hang out again or be productive in schoolwork together etc. I can become closer with my friends in this way as well and understand a different culture, a different religion. I'm feeling really self-conscious because I want to prove to them that this lowly "kefir" can do it all too, that I can fast, focus on my spirituality and building my character, still excel in school, still hustle at work, maintain good health...I feel like I need to prove myself worthy of becoming a Muslim somehow in this way. If i'm not capable, as a full adult with will-power and general control over my life and my choices, to do something like this, then maybe i'm not cut out for it and don't belong. I don't know. It's stressing me out lately. At first I was excited and anticipating such a holy time period for self-growth and overcoming a big challenge, but now I'm nervous and feel like i'm not good enough. At least where I was growing up, anyone could show up to church, not know anyone or how our community went about doing things, and they would be welcomed and not criticized for how they dressed or for not knowing "the Lord's Prayer" or some common songs, they would be invited to the adult classes and given a bible. I know very well and believe truly from what I have read of the Quran so far and other texts that Islam is the religion of peace...but from a social/cultural perspective it still feels really exclusive to random outsiders and incredibly judgmental of people who aren't perfect. I don't know why but simply because people tell me that I shouldn't/can't be a Muslim, or because of my background and upbringing I wouldn't never assimilate to it well enough, I'm motivated to do the exact opposite and figure it out and prove everyone wrong. Maybe it's just my personality, I don't like people telling me what I can and cannot do without a logical explanation. For example, Someone told me a long time ago I could never survive as a vegetarian, and I went and did it for 6 years. Due to economic and health reasons it wasn't sustainable but I occasionally have completely plant-based days to this day. When I was out of shape and worried that I couldn't play football competitively anymore after a few years break,, I started training on my own and attending practices regularly and I dropped 10% body fat, became the fastest sprinter, and leveled up to a full-time position as Centerback and a respected senior member of the team and someone whom a lot of my friends would come to for fitness advice. All things I did to change my lifestyle for the better, and with Islam I know it will be no different. But for some reason, I can't quite understand, I feel really stressed about the need to prove myself here more than other stupid stuff like diet and football.
My second concern is about Prayer. As a non-Muslim of course I don't know Arabic and I don't have any of the surrahs memorized. I don't know the proper method exactly for praying and how it's done. I was raised Christian, and we can pray anywhere and anytime we want and say our own prayers however we decide to, in whatever our language is. maybe because i'm just still uneducated about it, but this seems more ideal to me. I get the idea that for the special prayer times, cleaning and preparing everything properly is a good ritual and I like it. But why feel guilty about not being able to stop for prayer at a specific time because of job or other demands of life? Or something happens and you're in a situation where you can't go to a mosque or a quiet clean place, you can't have a perfectly lined up hijab on, you mess up the words or something...this stresses me out so much. Isn't prayer one of the most important aspects of practicing any religion? If a person doesn't know how to pray properly yet, does that mean we are forbidden from praying in any way at all? Would it be absolutely unacceptable for me to try during prayer times or whenever I can to at least stop what I'm doing,, express my gratitude and praise to Allah in English for 10 minutes or so with my hands together or out to the heavens, or read quietly to myself from the Quran, rather than do none of it at all because I don't know the right way?
sorry this is so long. I'm just confused and feel a lot of inner conflict.
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from Islam http://bit.ly/2L55nib
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