A little backstory, I have stopped committing zina and broke off with my ex due to fear of sins and also because he's been abusive. I hope Allah accepts my repentance. It was the only relationship I ever had, thinking I would be married to him. Previously I never wanted a boyfriend because I know bad things will happen. I wanted the halal way. But unfortunately, marriage was kinda impossible for me and things happen and I blame myself for a big part of it.
I crave for sex and intimacy so much, it's depressing. I'm nearing my late 20s and I want to have a supportive husband but right now it seems like there's no one out there for me. Plus, I am not a virgin anymore and this is what's bothering me now.
Idk what I should do if I ever get the chance to meet a potential husband. Sure, I'll bring up the topic of deal breakers where if one of his deal breaker is a non virgin, then I'll back off without disclosing my sin. However, if he doesn't list it as one of his deal breakers, then I guess it's alright but at some point what if he asks about it?
Should I tell him the truth if he asks if I am a virgin or something like that? Should I tell only when he asks? I want to start a marriage with no secrets and this one thing will haunt me for life if I have to keep it as a secret, and I'm not good at avoiding things (think about wedding night and no bleeding) and it'll be hard for me to lie. In short, keeping it as a secret is going to be distressing for me.
I at least want him to able to accept that I have had a relationship before him, and that my ex was abusive, because it's going to affect how I behave in a new relationship.
Sometimes I feel like I want to meet and marry a guy with the same zina history and has also repented, because maybe he would be understanding and more accepting of me (but where do I find one?). Please make dua for me.
tldr; What do I do if a potential spouse asks me if I am a virgin?
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