Assalamualaikum,
In my family, there’s me, 2 older sisters, my mom and my dad. My dad has been abusive physically and mentally since I was a kid; physically towards my mom, emotionally/mentally towards me and my sisters. When I was around 7/8 my mom fell off from our apartment on the 6th floor; she said she was pushed, my dad said she jumped. He stole all her money when he could; one time I saw my mom trying to down a bottle of bleach, I had to stop her, I was 10 years old at the time. My dad still provided food and a place to live.
I'm a soccer player, Alhamdulillah I had the chance to play professionally but when I was younger I didn’t want anybody to come to my games or support; I’d get nervous or shy because of the way my dad would scrutinize/criticize and scold me afterwards about my performance. I felt isolated from my sisters; we all had each other but they had each other more cuz they were girls and I was a guy. My mom naturally kept conflating me with my dad cuz we were both male. There were times when they may have been unfair against my dad in saying things too. I also called them out for it, but if I could go back now I’d realize they were being harsh against my dad because of his abusive behavior towards them. My sister was 12 years old, praying when my dad was arguing with my mom and pulled the prayer mat from underneath her in anger, causing her to fall and hit her head against the bed frame behind her; he didn't care.
The fact that I refused to condemn my dad at times against unsubstantiated accusations (my mom accused him of adultery - like the 6th floor fall, I still don't know the truth) isolated me further, and I grew up alone in a crap environment. I started skipping school to play soccer; that kept me sane, it blocked out all the garbage mentally. I always was a smart/athletic kid but never really connected with peers. I remember being benched as a young teen cuz I was too shy to play. I was better than all my peers, but I had a mental handicap from the childhood abuse that stopped me from being aggressive; majority of those teammates bullied me for it, especially once I got older and began starting over them.
As I got older and football stuff started to click more, I started staying out more, got to start hanging with the “cool” kids. I got carried away, I was just happy to be accepted for once, even tho I didn’t realize at the time those peers didn’t really care about me either, they just cared cuz they thought I was gonna make it somewhere. I was accepted into a top university for math/physics but I eventually dropped out to play soccer. I disconnected myself from my family; I was literally homeless at some points. My mom and sisters wanted to connect but I turned them away cuz I was so bitter. My dad found me a roommate with a place to live but it didn't last; I realized later he was using that to spy on me and feeding my mom/sisters stories about how "lost" I was. He found a condom in my wallet once (was peer pressured into taking it more than anything else) and even though I've always kept my distance from girls (barely have hugged one, let alone kissed or anything more) he kept alluding to my mom behind my back that I had committed zina.
I remember I was at a party for New Years in Toronto. I'm not at all proud of it but I got drunk and regrets/stuff started catching up to me, I left the party and decided to go home. Got home, was so ashamed of being drunk, was crying and hugged my mom and my dad; my dad has used that against me ever since. Every instance he gets he reminds me how "lost" I was. He tried taking me to the mosque to "confess" in front of the imam after congregation; even the imam was confused as to what kind of father would behave like that. I started building up so much guilt, having suicidal thoughts and became extremely depressed.
Soccer was still my escape but eventually I got injured so the soccer stopped and I had to go to uni; all my friends were gone except a handful but I stopped caring at this point. Still found it hard to focus in school, grades kept being trash until I was put on probation.
I remember I came home from a trip one time and my mom met me crying. I didn’t realize it then but my dad had beaten her badly (black eye, bruised limbs) and somehow I didn’t even notice cuz I had been so busy with my own self; I don’t think I can forgive myself for that. Told myself I would never leave my mom alone again.
My oldest sister called the cops on my dad once because he was getting violent throwing plates and furniture; he held that against her ever since and eventually she moved out on her own, cutting herself off completely from him. My second oldest sister eventually did the same, while my mom also split from my dad. I went with my mom but kept in touch with my dad; he always told me he would’ve killed himself if I had cut off ties with him too. He used me to get to know stuff about my sisters and mom; I felt bad cuz I saw him as an old man who had been ditched by his family, even though I was fully aware of the crap he did to earn that.
Eventually (few years later) my mom and dad tried moving back in together, with me too of course. It never worked out. My dad was always bitter that my mom had left, my mom never forgot the things my dad had done, I was stuck in the middle of everything, trying to keep good relationships with everyone; my sisters wanted nothing to do with my dad, tho they started getting closer to me.
Kept doing school, getting much better grades, doing research and even TA/lecturing but never connecting with people as usual. Went through some coaching gigs as well, always made sure I was independent financially. Started taking my religion more seriously as well, praying daily, reading/memorizing Quran and learning Arabic. My dad looks for anything to put me down with; decided a few weeks ago to just go to the gym for my workouts in the morning right after I wake up for fajr; he starts telling my mom I’m gonna be smoking blunts/drinking/doing nonsense and that I’ll be “exposed” soon and that I’ve put him through so much. He always says I'd be "lost" without him. I didn’t say anything to retaliate but I cried that whole morning because what he said hurt so bad. Ironically, my dad never prayed till I got older and started praying; nor did he go to taraweeh until I started going; nor did he read the Quran until I started memorizing as well. When I had my injury (a back injury I needed surgery for) and I couldn't stand all 20 raka'at for taraweeh he used to gloat about his own piety in praying all 20 and how my intention wasn't pure which is why I couldn't pray. I'm not to judge intention and I always try to make excuses for him, but I can't help but feel sometimes that he only does these things to try and gain some kind of moral authority over people (i.e. me+my sisters).
The last altercation with my dad finally showed me how manipulative he can be. My mom and I start looking for places; my mom finally tells my dad we’re leaving. He starts going off on me, saying I’m an adult, I make my own choices, I owe him so much, I would have been completely lost if it wasn’t for him. He starts threatening me that I’ll never see his face again if I move out with my mom. He is always in denial about his own actions when confronted by them. I try not to care really; it hurts a lot to hear but I see through his manipulation now. I only worry because I don’t want to be neglecting my duty as a son; everything aside he’s a 65 year old man that’s my dad who at least gave me food and shelter; now that I’m older and am hopefully starting a career after uni soon, will I not be able to pay that back? It’s messed up when you factor in the abuse but the idea that I may not be fulfilling my duty as a son kills me too.
Really sorry about the long ramble, and massive respect for anyone who read through this whole thing. If someone can answer the question about whether it's acceptable to distance myself from my dad (stop interacting with him) and just pray for him under the circumstances, I'd much appreciate the input. In any case, I just ask to keep me in your dua.
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