Selamun Aleykum brothers and sisters,
I struggle mentally and need your help how to overcome my bad mental state. I'm studying in Germany but during this semester break I could collect myself and I found some Issues I'm constantly running away from. I feel very sad, moody and not good enough. Not masculine enough. The main reason why I study is because that is all my father wanted from me. "Get a good education so you don't end up like your father". Thats all they told me. But here I am, facing completely different problems. I struggle socially and making bonds with other people, I'm in my head all the time and fear to drown in the social game. I judge others often and become angry about them. I'm ashamed for being angry and not valuing others the way they deserve. And the worst is, I don't value myself enough so that might be the reason. But how can I value myself more? I really want to get this degree but deep down there is a fear that I won't succeed and that I will be a loser. I struggle with tawakkul. I workout, I take care of my diet, pray 5 times daily and have a deep connection with Allah swt but I don't know what he wants from me right now.
Something else I wanted to add is that 6 months ago I kinda reverted because I lost my faith. I repented, I cried a lot, like I never did before in my life. I felt His presence, as if He was holding me tight and it was the best feeling I ever had. I just let go and the more I let go the tighter was His grasp. It was amazing elhamdulillah. Afterwards I felt like reborn, clean of all dirt and bad thought, I was literally goodness in person. So I sticked to every prayer and dove deeper in our deen and stregthened my iman. But this was 6 months ago and as life happenned, I'm depressed again. It is not as bad as before I had this experience with Allah swt but it tells me that there is a root I should adress. Can you give me some advice? Selamun Aleykum.
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