Some background information:
I am a lesbian. But I have never got into any sexual acts, nor am I planning to, for I am fully aware it is a sin. In fact, accepting this part of my identity has been a struggle for years and I kept denying it and trying to force myself to "get over it", in vain. I've somewhat came to terms with it now, but hearing people's harsh judgemental comments like "God punishes all gays", "they are sick perverts who need treatment", "a gay person can't be muslim, they have to choose between their faith and sexuality", etc... stuff like this triggers old fears I had, fears that I would be damned to hell no matter what, and that my existence itself was a sin. It doesn't help that I am suffering from bipolar disorder, so the combination of the two can make my brain go to some dark places and have very nasty thoughts of self-loathing and guilt, driving me to be suicidal.
But I was able to overcome these bad episodes each time, and I genuinely believe it was a miracle, the guidance and protection of God that helped me. I've also been seeing a psychiatrist and taking medication for two years in order to get better. Last year I've been able to get back on track, 4.0 GPA, first of my class, and winning a prize in a competition for a project I did, my life was improving, everything was going well. But this year things went downhill again when I relapsed a few months ago, due to stress accumulation and overexerting myself, according to my psychiatrist.
Now moving on to the actual problem:
I have a friend that I've known since last year. She was my classmate. We quickly became close, eventually best friends. I trusted her more than any other person in my life (family included, due to them belittling my cry for help when I first realised I needed serious professional help or I'd seriously might end up killing myself, yet they accused me of exaggerating things, called me selfish, etc... anyways, not our topic, just explaining why I don't have full trust in my family anymore like a normal person would).
So, my best friend knows I am lesbian. I came out to her last year. I told 7 other friends (one overheard me by accident).
I actually live at the university's dorms. They were rooms of two. At first, I didn't want to be put in a "sinful" situation, so I told my parents (who don't know about me) that I wanted to rent an apartment instead. They refused. I tried convincing them in any way but they didn't give in. I considered having a room all to myself (I'd have to pay double price), but my parents said they couldn't afford such fees. So my only option was to deal with what I am given...
My best friend and I agreed to have a room together. As she is aware about me, we'd both be able to act accordingly, and try keeping distance from both ends. And we both did. We would never get dressed in front of each other and stuff. But, just to be cautious, I kept even more of a distance, like avoiding all physical contact (hugs or holding hands and all), refusing to sit close to her, never wearing revealing clothes, etc...
But then, things started heading into places I didn't expect and didn't want... I started developing feelings for her. I knew it wasn't just "sharing a room" that caused it because I never had this problem with the previous roommate. I was starting to have a real crush, and the thought scared me so much and made me feel so guilty. I of course thought of changing rooms, first. But given how controlling mom is, I knew it would only cause problems for my friend (mom comes to my room every weekend, and once she saw we changed the room disposition from the planning she herself did at the beginning, she got so angry and offended and started reprimending my friend and blaming her to the point of making her cry, so I can't imagine her reaction upon learning I was moving out of the room...).
I thought of being honest with my friend since the beginning, but I couldn't, for many reasons. First, I was scared of her reaction. Second, I didn't want to stress her out even more (she was going through a bad time) so I decided to wait. Third, I still didn't want to fully admit my feelings to myself and was in denial, going as far as telling myself that this whole lesbian thing is an illusion. I was just that anxious.
So, my only remaining option was to endure everything on my own.
I decided to take keeping a distance a step further. I didn't want to leave any slight chance for mistakes to happen. I just cherished my friend too much and would never think of exploiting her, tarnishing her. I would never dare to hurt her, either physically or psychologically. I respected her too much to attempt anything. And I had no intention of doing something that brings God's wrath on me either.
So, I refused to do any sort of advance, no flirtiness was permitted. Whenever she asks me to explain some lesson to her, I'd either sit on a chair far away, or if there is need for me to write on her papers that are on bed while explaining (thus she'd be unable to see from the chair's position), then I'd sit on the bed as far away from her as possible and right on the edge of it. Also, when she wears some slightly revealing clothes, I always either warn her to cover up or I avert my gaze and not look her way at all, as in I look in another direction all together (like down or up) even while talking to her. I'd never dare lust over her, or have twisted thoughts of her. I'd never tarnish her like that. Heck, I was so fixated on respecting boundaries that even in my wet dreams, whenever I feel her about to appear in a dream, I consciously regain control of the dream, forcibly shift the image to some other girl, while telling myself “No. You can’t let your mind wander there and tarnish her image, not even in a dream.”
To be honest, I knew she was straight. So I never expected anything back from her. After 5 months or so, the feelings morphed from a simple crush to falling in love. But I still had no bad intentions. I just wanted to continue being friends. I discarded my feelings and was fully ready to devote myself to helping her. I truly only wanted her to be happy and successful, and I did everything in my power to do so. Playing matchmaker between her and her crush. Explaining all lessons to her and motivating her to study. Cheering her up when upset. Encouraging her and helping her have better self-confidence. Actually, for once in my life, standing up to mom and calling her out on her nonsense. I’ve never done this, not even for my own sake, I always was submissive to mom’s manipulation. But that time, I did it to defend her when mom was badmouthing her in front of dad and telling lies about her. I did all I could for her sake, as a good friend should.
But then, few days ago, she kept insisting on me to tell her who my crush was. I kept repeating that I can’t say. So she got angry at me, saying that I don’t trust her, that she thought we were friends, and threatened to no longer trust me either. She was pushing me to say it, but I truly couldn’t, as I didn’t wanna risk bothering her by the answer. I tried answering vaguely, but she told me to stop with the excuses, there would be no reason big enough for why I wasn’t honest with her. So I panicked. I thought I would seriously lose her trust in me forever. She looked so offended. So I tried to give her a satisfying answer while not saying who it is, just an answer explaining my reasons. I said: “Please believe me, this has nothing with a lack of trust in you. You truly are and will always be my best friend and I trust you like no other person in my life. But, this is something kinda complicated and messy. And I fear that if I tell you about it, it’d stress you out and disturb you. You finally are able to focus on studies again. I don’t wanna ruin it. Plus, this is a huge topic, and it might even affect how you view me from now on. So, let’s postpone this talk to the end of the school year.”
I kept being anxious and questioning myself. I wanted to tell her upfront and be done with this whole thing. I did feel for a while that not confessing was stopping me from getting over her.
So I did ask her, “are you really sure you want to know? I will tell you if you say so”, and oddly enough she refused, telling me she didn’t know it stressed me this much and it was this big of a deal, that she doesn’t want to know anymore.
She then left the room, and when she got back, she was like another person. I'm assuming she realised that is was her who I was hinting to. She was looking so horrible, as if she had been crying. And she was refusing to talk to me. That night, she slept in another friend’s room. And from that day onwards, she started ignoring me completely, pretending I don’t even exist, not even looking my way most of the time, or when there is unintentional eye contact, I find her glaring so hatefully at me.. I’ve never seen her glare at someone like this… She obviously moved out of the room too (I understand that she’d want to move out though). According to what our mutual friends told me, she told them that:
She is angry I didn’t tell her sooner as this was something that concerned her directly.
She doesn’t feel safe around me anymore and is afraid I’d do something indecent to her.
She is disgusted and grossed out, and whenever she thinks of the possibility of something happening between her and I she feels like throwing up.
She can’t bring herself to face me or even look at me from the intensity of resentment and disgust she’s feeling…
She, however, outed me out to 6 or 7 people without my consent. I am still mostly in the closet due to society, as I said I only told 8 friends. Because here I could go to jail (3 months iirc) for being gay so yeah… plus I don’t want to be called names or bullied by people around either… But now word got out and most of our class knows about me now, as well as some others from other classes, and I’ve recieved mixed reactions: from people trying to check on me if I’m okay, others joking around about it, to others throwing cold disgusted glares at me and refusing to talk to me anymore. Thankfully no mean comments were thrown at me yet.
But I don’t care about this. The only things bothering me is my deep feeling of guilt right now. I am feeling like I messed up big time. Some friends are telling me “You did nothing wrong, you can’t control your feelings. She is exaggerating and being immature, because she knows what kind of person you are and knows fully that she has no reason to fear you, and especially you, out of all people, would never harm her in any way, and we all know that.” Others are telling me my mistake was hiding it from her for this long, so I should apologize for that, and I also should apologize that things got this messy and explain that I didn’t mean to hurt her.
So I decided to give her some time to calm down and then send her a message of apology. I sincerely want us to be friends as always. And I can’t bear the thought of her hating me.
That’s why I don’t know if I can hold on much longer at this rate. I’m having panic attacks whenever I see her. I’m having multiple nightmares every night about her. Suicidal ideation is occupying my mind all day long. I can’t focus on anything anymore. I’m constantly on edge. Constantly feeling guilty. Constantly hating myself. I think I relapsed again because the treatment isn’t having an effect anymore, and I’ve started to show most signs of both manic and depressive episodes. I just don’t know if I keep going at this rate. I just feel like a horrible human being. I feel I don't deserve forgiveness or mercy. I feel I am a burden who keeps hurting everyone I know. Each day is worse than the one before…
What did I do wrong here exactly? How can I salvage this situation? How can I get her trust back?
PS: This probably isn’t the place to post this stuff, but I needed to hear answers from our muslim community and according to our teachings. Because elsewhere people would just call her a homophone, not understanding the cultural or religious dynamics at play here.
Thank you.
[link] [comments]
from Islam http://bit.ly/2D8JOWI
Post A Comment:
0 comments so far,add yours