I have asked questions here before but I like to ask more to learn about the best routes/methods to take.
I have turned to Allah SWT in the past, sinned, turned to Allah SWT in the past, sinned, rinse and repeat. I however, am tired of leaving altogether. I don't leave the faith/belief, but rather the practice. Sometimes, I'll only pray one or two prayers, etc. It's not right.
I feel like a hypocrite in that I sometimes start up praying when life is not going my way or I need something.
A large part of my inconsistency is feeling like absolute crap about my situation. I've told you all before I have sexual intrusive thoughts about Allah SWT and the messenger which disturb me. I think it's due to what I was exposed to at an early age as a child (in regards to porn which haunted me back then).
Anyways, the graphic mental images to religious figures makes me feel as though I'll be damned to hell for eternity to matter how many times I've repented. I think I've repented 100000x in my life over the same thing. I feel like a loser. I know ALLAH SWT is not happy with me and I'm probably not considered a true Muslim by the BOOK. As in, I usually have low Iman, do not have "Yakeen", and sometimes have doubts, which suck.
Anyways, right now, I'm either having a heart attack God forbid or an anxiety attack. Nevertheless, feeling as crappy as I do, feeling like death is around the corner, I figure this is the END result of all of us. Our work, jobs, titles, degrees, and all other nonsense won't help us. I'm scared out of my mind imaging that I could possibly die today or tomorrow.
I want my lord to be happy with me but I feel like I'm bound to janaham forever due to those evil thoughts. Sometimes they feel self-induced although it may be satan's way of making me think they're my thoughts, making me feel sick and twisted when in fact it's his whispers. Who knows.
Nevertheless, I want to make a permanent and lasting change. I want to stop saying badwords, watching UFC, checking out women, and I want to start being a better Muslim and caring about others.
I've been selfish. I don't care about others including fellow- Muslims. Today I felt bad because the shaykh raised a pic of a girl with cancer and asked us to donate blood. Even though I felt bad, I did nothing.
I left. Later, I was like, damn. All I did internally was thought poor thing and within a second changed my mind. What the heck is wrong with me?
I'm stopping to care if I go broke, homeless, etc. My life has been a mess. I have an arrest that allows me to get screwed by background checks left and right and am never employed.
All I want at this point is to praise my lord and make Allah SWT happy before I die. There is no more tomorrow. Life is not long anymore. No more waiting.
Please tell me how I can be consistent and do this. My fear is to fall back into my old ways, as always. My fear is to get busy with dunya stuff such as school, family, hobbies, and completely forgot about this feeling I have in this moment and this post. I don't want time and distraction of the dunya to take away from this.
From a brother to other brothers/sisters please give me your genuine advice. I really need it from the bottom of my soul my family.
May Allah SWT reunite us in his Jannah and make us end all the misery we experience in dunya. Ameen.
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