This is innately depressing. If you'd rather not dampen your mood, please don't read any further. Bismillah.
Background information: I'm a 27 year old female currently completing my masters. I don't have a stable income so for the sake of finances, I'm living with my parents. This has proven to be extremely stressful. Note: I really think it's a bad idea to live with parents past a certain age (unless you guys have a wonderful relationship).
On to what happened. This won't make sense unless you read the whole thing. My father owns a lot of expensive perfume that he intended to sell but has just left on a shelf. I was curious about the scent of one particular bottle, (a very pricy one to be exact). I removed the wrapping paper, opened the package, and sprayed one spray. I put it back on the shelf and thought nothing of it.
I know it was wrong of me to touch his belongings. I know it was wrong that I removed the wrapping paper of the perfume. But please believe me when I say that I didn't think I was violating/transgressing to a great extent.
A day or so later, upon realzing that his perfume had been unwrapped, my father storms downstairs and begins to make dua against me. He prays that the heavens close to me. He prays for Allah to send his wrath upon me SEVERAL TIMES. He also makes dua that I am miserable for eternity. He hits me across the head so hard that my ears begin to ring. Furthermore, he tells me that I'm evil scum and I always will be. He calls me a whole slew of things: a pathological liar, selfish, black-hearted, wicked, you name it.
I think it's necessary here to explain his side of the story for the sake of being fair and not have any biases. I have always had a problem following certain rules in my house. For example, he'd reserve certain snacks for himself or my brothers and sometimes I'd get hungry and I'd eat them. God, this sounds ridiculusly stupid and petty typing it. But I would eat his snacks, use his special printing paper, touch his ipod, use his TV, etc. And this was more so when I was younger, much younger. But every now and again, I wouldn't have food so I'd eat his snacks.
Now, my father takes this as a sign of humiliation and extreme disrespect. In his eyes, I might as well have walked up and slapped him. He 100% believes that God hates a person who misbehaves with their parents (which I'm not denying). But to my father, every tiny mistake is going against him and deliberately disobeying the command of Allah to be good to parents.
As for him calling me evil, this is not new. I remember when I was a child and I would make silly mistakes, he would also call me evil. Instead of him interpreting my mistake as being a careless child, he would assume that my heart was black and corrupted by satan. There was one particular incident when my little brother (aged 2) was on the monkey bars, and I (aged 10) was watching him from below on the swings. It was rather careless of me to not be helping him, if he fell, he would have hurt himself. My father was watching and he called me evil. He's called me evil ever since.
Side note: My father has always used Allah and dua as a threat against me. He also thinks he has special connections to Allah. He genuinely believes his duas against me are answered.
There are so many instances in life when he remembers something I did when I was young, (even when I was a toddler!) and he uses those memories as a proof for my wretcheness and cruelty. Another example, when I was around the age of four, I did not like eating, I would not eat nearly as much as other kids and was underweight. He would try to feed me and I didn't want to. He uses that for proof of my stubborness, wickedness, and defiance.
My heart is beyond broken that I don't have a father like other girls. That my own father wishes hell upon me...its something that I will never understand. And I can't help but question why Allah swt let this happen. I believe in God's wisdom, but I almost want to see it and know it. Because I feel my faith slipping away from me.
I want to know...what does Allah swt "think" when He hears my father's dua against me? Is it answered? Am I doomed to hell and misery? Does Allah swt love me? Am I worthy of any goodness? Am I evil?
So many other questions cloud my mind all the time. They've been clouding my mind. I have been in and out of depression just for thinking about these things. I have not lived up to my potential because I don't think I am worthy of any good. I have not been succesful marrying because I secretly believe that I am not good enough for any suitor. I don't even make dua for anything because I don't feel worthy of Allah swt.
I feel that I need to speak to a sheikh and only he can help me undo the years of trauma. Because honestly, I don't think I know Allah swt as He really is. I'm so confused why this happened. I know I'm wrong. But I don't think I deserve all that. Or maybe I do. I'm not so sure anymore.
What can I do? Seeing as I'm unable to move out soon, what do I do when this happens again? And I know that it will.
Jazak Allah kheir for your help.
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from Islam http://bit.ly/2EQkx6n
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