Assalamu alaikum.
I have anger issues since I was young. No matter what logic or reason it was thrown out of window once I was angry. Everytime I tried like, 'Ok, I'd be patience' - just a few minutes later, a problem arise and I am back being angry again.
This is especially troubling because recently, I was kinda mad at God. I know life and everything is simply a test. But it seems I simply have no patience for it. Because if you are being patience, you keep tested, tested, and tested. It seems the more you are being patience, the more you are being tested. Just look at how difficult the test for the prophets are.
It was to the point I was mentally screaming 'Yeah you are right God, you always right, you want me to suffer and just *be patience* when it turned out there's nothing else I can do anymore, just to leave it all to You? I don't have a choice, do I? There, I suffer, happy now? Of course these tears are perfect example of happiness. And after all of these and *maybe* I can get a heaven?'
I know there is likely a good reason for it *that God only knows*. The problem is I cannot see it -yet-. It's not like I don't believe God is good, it's just hard to believe based on what I am seeing now.
Islamic knowledge doesn't help much when you're being emotional and twisted it into something wrong, trying to justify it. Right now I still do salah because I see it as an *obligation* but I almost stopped making dua. I was like 'Ok I will pray, fast, etc, because God wants me too, that doesn't mean I have to *like* it.' It's like there is a lack of love at all.
How do you put your trust in God when you cannot see or understand the reason? I had a feeling you should, but I cannot explain why.
I am sorry if it comes off as whining though. I'd appreciate the feedback.
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from Islam http://bit.ly/2BPCNcC
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