Assalamualaikum! Please bear with me, I just need some insight and advice :(
So I quite recently have become more attached to the religion but i realised i sort of have an unhealthy relationship with it? It was normal at first as in ive never felt sad by it but these past few months Ive been scrutinizing all of my actions in fear of them bringing bad things upon me because Allah might not like it, (i dont know how to explain it but I have also been super strict with my pronunciation during prayers like i would repeat the same line nonstop because it strictly has to be perfect or else im scared ill end up sinning through it).
Ive only decided to talk about it because i had a breakdown at 3am because i was scared of the punishment ill receive if i dont obey my parents, while yes it is normal, it got to the point where it affected me mentally. my dad usually tells me not to put my phone next to me while im asleep but I usually need to listen to asmr to help me sleep, (the same night my earbuds were dead) my dad caught my phone next to my bed while checking up on me, i freaked out because it was 2am and i was already calmed down, i wanted to just leave my phone next to me so i can still listen to it because i was so desperate for sleep.
and then i started imagining scenarios that Allah would punish me if i do it, like how my phone would blw my head off and things like that. i couldnt sleep, i cried and started saying “this is dad’s fault” because i was super frustrated and couldnt help but cry nonstop.
is there a way to stop this intense fear? And i honestly want to stop scrutinizing every little thing but people keep putting thoughts into my head so im really desperate for some sort of remedy because this thing has taken a bad toll on my mental health and connection with the religion. I would try to consult a mental health specialist but my parents aren’t really big into these mental health issues so I never had the chance :/ Jazakallah Khairan.
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